Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

keeping my fingers crossed

this has been the toughest month for my.rez. after what he has been through for the past weeks or days for that matter, i can truly say that i was beside him.

thinking about the future. im ticking off the days to graduation and after handing the diploma to me, i still dont know what to do. passed 3 resumes to 3 different companies. since he's at convergys now, i think that i might as well work there, and hope that we will be on the same account. im seeing myself with him for the next year, and the next and decade after that and so on.

i love my.rez. im doing everything to show him how much i love him. if i could just put up my own house in front of theirs i would (that's how much i love him). it was a stressful and tiring day today, but i've managed to pay him a visit at their house, i love him and i guess you'll do everything for someone you love.

keeping my fingers crossed that he's serious about us, keeping my fingers crossed that we will stay together if not til death, forever.

et moi valentino valentines

valentines was supposed to be a day for the lovers (turned out that it was, for us, party a date). february 14. i woke up to the tune of adele's chasing pavements. it was early in the morning, with the rooster's cockatoo. i booted up the computer and started to do my little photoshop. so i was searching for a really nice thing to do besided making an i love you card, which is kind of passe! so i had to brain storm of what to do. first, i was thinking of giving him something, but then it hit me hard! why dont i make something personal, something outside the box.

so i began to scribble and think. *ding. an idea came to mind. and this was my gift for him (cutting the long story short)

that was one of my downest and happiest moments with him. i really wanted to surprise him - and in fact he was! someone loves more than the other.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

better together

"we can be extraordinary together rather ordinary apart" - a line in one of the greys anatomy episodes, thrown by meredith grey to derek shephard.

last night was a not-so good night. after 9 tiring and exhausting hours of internship i had to wait for yet another say 30 minutes standing, waiting and expecting. that instant, i felt my whole body shrunk unexplainably. you know the feeling of being alone, in a crowd-full street? i stood aghast at the sight of his ex, calling someone on the other line, laughing (i would rather think that the cause of his laughing was something that would alienate me).

tired, draining. i was in the middle of somewhere uncertain and confusing. i shook my head, bit my lip and still waited there patiently. i was really hoping he would come from somewhere else, i had to call him to fetch me and i was like dumbfounded of the whole scenario! fcuk! and worse, the artians went and intruded the moment (for whatever reason i dont exactly know).

im still stuck with nothingness. it's 7 o'clock in the morning when i woke up to the sound of the ongoing construction. i feel terribly weak as my eyes are swollen and my feet aching from the late night walking. i only had 4 hours of decent sleep and i really feel down (it's as if that i did a strenuous job).

"weigh things over..."
being single is really something i've lived up to (i wasnt really sure about the hook-up thing or the meet-up thing). i started out late to have a serious relationship. in other words, i was a late bloomer. i am reluctant to admit that being single needs not effort at all! coz being single gives you the chance to be alone with yourself and give more time to yourself (that's just the perk of singlehood). in a relationship therefore, is somehow complicated. i seriously did a lot of adjustments and sacrifices for everything to work. i've managed to allot my time and still cope up with the relationship as well. ive changed my body clock and my sleeping habits, some of my routine changed and my online-ing lesser, because if i had to be in a relationship, i have to commit, i have to do something outside of my comfort zone.

later after tonight will be valentines day (lesser expectations mean lesser frustration).

Thursday, February 11, 2010

hello graduation, hello june

now i know what it feels like stuck in a situation where you dont know what to expect and do. this is a nasty feeling! graduation is coming and i feel so eager to graduate (counting off the days to graduation). but here on the other side of the story, my.rez, demoted. life is cruel all the time. its like libra, like the third law of einstein, there is a bitter and sweet ending to everything.

he's planning to work on board come june (though it is still left hanging). i hate myself.
i really hate myself.

i feel like drowning myself and walk away the water clean (but i just cant do it). i really feel terrible. i started my morning right, doing the same routine over and over again, but this morning is pretty much different, as it had a bitter start. i guess happy endings dont come true. he'll leave me on june.

(teary eyes) i just hope that things would fall into places and life would be the same as before. i seriously dont know what to text him. i've sandwiched myself to the reality that later on, he will be working somewhere else. i hope that there will come a time that i'd be adamant. there will come a time that i will feel less and less about myself - and when that time arrives, i still dont know what to do.

let me enjoy every bit of moment that we are together (no more skypes, no more late night txts). i will have to adjust to lesser and lesser time seeing each him. fu*k!

stained cigarette butt and what not

its been a while since i last had a fag. ive been missing the smell of a freshly opened flip top or a soft pack - just as much as i missed the smell of my.rez. last night was not a good night and i had to stop myself from over reacting (i told myself that it was just a hi-hello!) but i still have something in mind though.

february 11. i woke up and read his messages. it was a tough day for him (then i thought to myself, if it was his tough day, i should be beside him!). he took up an exam (for some reason, i have this weird feeling that this exam is somehow work related) ending the 7:26 AM message with apply ibn kolcenter. one of the dont-know-how-to-react-moments again! i seem to be getting the idea that he'd be passing the dreaded resignation letter anytime.

i love my rez. i wanted him to finish tertiary and to some extent attend his graduation. i admit that i've been way pushy for him to go to school - but that's just how to do it (that's how i do it). my mind is spinning as i write this blog and i still havent talked to him after our 1:56 conversation via skype. there are a lot of things going on in my mind and unless we talk it out, i wouldnt think this way. what the hell is wrong with me?

nah. im perfectly fine. maybe i just missed my.rez. can't wait for valentines day.

my rez and me (prelude)

november 26, 2009 when said yes to his question. it was a very surreal moment since it was my first ever serious relationship. he admitted that he started out playing with me and had some kind of an MU on the side. i had chills when he recently swore to me about it. i have been caught off guard a lot of times through the course of the relationship and this one hit me the hardest.

i thought of making a blog to keep myself updated with every progress of this relationship. i once told myself, hold something back! but i just cant, i love him - i really do. im not afraid of anything - i always tell myself that (back when i was single). but sooner i realized (after he came to my life) that i had a lot of insecurities and fears - the greatest of which is losing him. it's now quarter to one in the morning and i can feel my heart slowly pounding. the TV is turned on and some weird game is flashed.

i feel alone without him. i ask myself sometimes, what will i be without him? actually, i still dont know how to answer. im seriously stuck in this waterloo called love and never have i imagined that such a feeling ever existed.

petit quarrel is a common sin in any relationship.

as i end my very first love blog (pausing for a while and thinks what to write) i just wanted to tell the world that i love him and that wiln't change. we've exchanged our vows already. now all we need is some kind of miracle and a new house.